# Hello. Welcome to my new section of this megademo, written to show everyone our 'distortion' effect. Wait until this scrolltext dissapears then stare into the skull's eye. After ten or twenty seconds look away at something.        @  It should have looked kinda like it's shrinking but staying the same size! If it didn't, try again: it works the other way too...        @ It may look like we copied this from that Acorn User multi-tasking program which gave the same sort of effect; I'd just like to make it clear that we discovered the effect at least three weeks before that AU came out and we are not into plageurism. Anyway, enough of that, it's not good for your eyes to do that for too long! I know, I've tried! Having got the formalities over and done with I present to you 'drivel'... the alcohol in the first bit took a while to reach its full effect ...  yO! We've got to take the power back! Takw the power back! BASIC rules OK!!! Which is why we wrote thisentire demo in it! Fuckin' class init! not that I am or anything, but I have just govbed up a whole lot all over Mat jones's bed thanks to the nefarious actions of Mr. Plummer. lemaonde that si. Billy Bunter is currently trying to type on my back, but has just given up. 'Oy - I haveb't done anything!' sez Nick. Bollocks, we say!. I feel more alive dead than when I was alive. Thanks for that. Westy is upsatiars. Marmite is good. It disguoses other dmells on your breath and stuff. Like Coibtreau or whatever it waz Tastes of orange, which is guite nicw, but you lose the roof of your mouth within secondz. Harry Lewin is a lad we say...he woz the one after Westy, who is sad.  Hopefully some time soon # Ewan bugge off! yeah type it - sorryr, can't remember what the fuck I was just trying to say. Cokey is currently trying to pretend he is a cat and prettysoon Simon will mistake him for Izzy's & sozz + pussy or something, which is he particularly fons off. Here comes Nick *Freeman is a geek! * he's the commander in chief od our Navy CCF section , anyway here comes NIck  Hello my name is mnick vmvnmldhjiuipjp i am a friend fo tom andsimonfkths  ITHOUG HTI WOULDpasayhello, niot thatihabfvrec ontributed anyrhing  iforgottenwhat i was ginf to say .  byeeeeeeee. Aparaently Tom ZtILBURY IS GETTnIN THE CIDER WHICH IS A BITNPISSING OVFF- Simon stop moving the keyboard - Ok I know you've stoppednbut you were doing it eael;ier and things are know moving of their own accord etc...  Nicj  = Billy Butnner bythe way, on account of hbis size and generak lack of ability in the sproting area - he 'does' swimming theoretcially but has only been about three times in the last year. By the way we are mot Satan worshippers or anything , just basic programer s who came up with a novel idea- though this is the least original qart of the demo as it just has a borifng scroller, VU bsrs etc. Edit is a shit program by the way, it keeps on bufggering u sodplay etc. anyway, gotta go, need to get back to my house without my housemaster notiging as gettiong pissedcmis not condoned here for some sad reson. What odisides + Merkle Billy  is mad, gey and fat. Hope he soen't read this. Bye... ---- # Hello again, not pissed this time. Unfortunately. Though I was last night and was lucky not to be caught, as the two guys I had had to help back to the house were caught just after I got into bed. One of them told my housemaster - a real chopper - to fuck off or he'd be decked. Fortunately I wasn't that pissed, though I did nearly go along to have a chat with them and make some stupid suggestions, which would not have been a good idea. Anyway, we have come up with a plan for Labour - when they get in - to nationalise Acorn. Then they could do a decent portable - unlike the A4 - without worrying about how much money they'd lose. Then when the Tories got back in again, they could reprivatise it into a group of companies - the R and D company would license its designs to the production company, who would assemble the computers from pieces provided by the case design company, the PCB company and the Acorn logo painting company and sell the machines on to the marketing company, who would then do nothing. A second marketing company could then be set up to investigate the failures of the first Acorn marketing company and suggest ways to improve efficiency, like advertising somewhere other than Acorn User, and selling machines, etc. Privatisation is the only way to make this country's industry dynamic, efficient and competitive. Just look at BR. Anyone who has actually bothered to read this far without loading the aptly named textfile into Edit, please write to us at = Tom Godber or Simon Plummer at Canford School, Wimborne, Dorset, England BHtwenty-one threeAD. Sorry, but I cannot be bothered to design some in charcter numbers for the font, so just in case someone does read this far if I write them out in full it won't crash the machine. Any person who does write in will get a mention in the 'sad bastards' section of our next demo - so if you're looking for some fame here's your chance. The solution to world problems.  The world today is not perfect. There are many problems human kind face - overpopulation, unemployment, increasing violence, the scarceness of fossil fuels to burn, and an increasing amount of A-level work being taught a year before GCSE in the hope that we will take up that subject. Worst of all there is a very slowly growing tendency to think that the Macintosh is a good machine - a clear sign of a failing education system. There have been many ideas put forward to solve aspects of these problems. To solve unemployment buy British, to solve overpopulation introduce rigid birth control systems, and to stop being conned into doing a subject for A-level don't turn up to lessons. Unfortunately, none of these ideas have been taken up, perhaps because they lack a certain something, an omnisolution. What are the basic factors that need solving - that was a question but I don't have a question mark defined for this font - In brief, they are= There are too many people, We need something new to burn for power. - If you're paying attention, you should have seen it coming... Shouldn't it be possible, from this, to work out a plan so wide in its scope that it could solve all of the world's problems in one fell swoop question mark The obvious, possibly the only, solution= Burn people for power. Of course, the process would need perfecting. You would need unneccessary or failed people to get it right - but this is no real problem. There are plenty of, for example, cabinet ministers superbly qualified for this type of heart-warming work. Burning people has to be the modern way to go - the way forward for a happier Earth. But is it as simple as that question mark What are the deeper implications another question mark To start with, burning people, like fossil fuels, will produce power for the worlds growing need for electricity. Humans are a renewable resource - the population explosion shows this, but would be kept at bay by burning excess people. The unemployed and retired are a growing burden on the working peoples of the world, using up resources without giving much back. This would be their opportunity to give something back, without making a nuisance of themselves, giving the less lazy a reduced burden. This is also the way to greater friendship between the remaining people in the world - they would be bound to be as friendly to everyone else as possible, if only because it would lessen the chances of them being voted the next to be burnt. Also, think of the Germans - they are constantly trying to be the major world industrial power. They would burn more people to provide more power to their factories, which would eventually mean that they would have too small a population left to sustain an army, therefore preventing all future world wars. The same could also apply to the Japanese and the Americans, and with them would go the Macintosh and PC, sinking to their overdue deaths and leaving the world with the only really viable platform - RISC OS. Knock on effects would be a rise in the average world IQ and the productivity of computer users. In conclusion the only viable way for humanity to move forward intact into the next century is to burn people for power.      I would just like to point out to younger readers that this scroller is not entirely serious and ideas raised in it should not be tried at home. I apologize for the slight nationalist slant to the last item and all Nazi overtones, slightly racist comments etc. are totally unintentional even if true. No - sorry, I didn't mean that. But unfortunately the delete key doesn't work, and nor does the mouse etc., so I can't remove the offending words. By the way - if any of those sad people writing for Acorn User, Acorn Computing etc. who complained about the inclusion on the Datafile PD CD of a JPEG with a nipple in it are reading this - IF YOU'RE SO CONCERNED ABOUT MINORS SEEING PICTURES OF NIPPLES WHY DO YOU PUBLICLY TELL THEM WHERE TO GET THEM FROM!!! I can hardly imagine an average school kid bothering to load all of the JPEGs without a good reason - such as that provided by your articles. MAKING A FUSS IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE! And had anyone bothered to listen to all of the sound trackers they'd probably have found that a certain track called 'PUSSY' was even more explicit. Why not shout about that too question mark 'Hey, we want some pussy!' etc. - a classic song.  I'll hand over to the alcohol again for a while --- o.Rjis si wp  tyypung - I'm a gu king good typdr, AMD i;m dntorey;u sober. Johm Alinner isd watching me atthw meoment and he agrees that tjis isentyeely senciscil. We heacdwd ofg towards Twoer Park  ut fid'nt get there so that is OIK - instead we found a bottle of Codkand to vottle sof Cider which I bought!!!! and hp[efully I qill be paid back,we are now dsober and so xan type prop-erly mas you can se.. Simon us going ojn about Izzy again, uuuuuuuuujik soorry fellonyothw keybo ed thenm - anyway Si min cl ims he is not a Klnigon and I think he is probably right, Bwrkshitra is mikes away from here says Hohn Akinner - and he's right you know. Aikmon is gay. He reckond he has a hirl frije d but hw's wrong. I have fifteen at leats. Franklin hous is a dump. I know what hapened last night - thity-ne peiple were caught - nut jogn wasn't sd he was not there, so he wouldn't be caught - we weren't caught, we'rre se sib;w, as we haveb't been caught, morse Jogm but thwn he hasb;'t been caught. Cos he wasn't drunk so he wouldn't be.Simon reckins he has fifteen nmojitora at lwats but he is bu;l,shittuing as he only has one, s Matnhs tunrnedup, he has a pot noodle - he is mad. Oxzzy broje his lef [,ying wuth hs leg! elieve ut, in the mornung I'm goma really regret this s it's gonna lok like i'mt pussed but m' not ', sober, but eceryone elseis pissed, so they're fuckubg stipeid, it's safest to sty dpober ;oke me, hello anyway. Sprry, you can't have a return inmy scrolltext as I hacen't defined one yet, DTwoFint is crao  sue Savid Piklung evwryone, DTOFointg is crap still it's better than the competition, Simin's gomne to see OZzzy wjo is not in hios room, no-one knows whwee hi eiz Acoording o Simon life in bed is the best bed. Matt wants his noddles, Simon wants mouth to mouth. I'm sober, as I justbtol Simon. Simon has justbgone to the loo, 'cos he is pissed,he us now going around kissing peo-le  - it is just not good enoudgj. I houdlearn to type, supper is in onl;y won houtr and tnry-fiv nminites or someit, matbe onlynhlf an hpiur, I'll tegret this inthe mornig, thoush RISV OS id teally good, it requires coordinatuom to fins the right filer window which I DON'T HAFE AT THW MOMENT, DO i PROBALBLY WON'T BE ABLE TO SAVE TJIS. qH WELL, IT'S A OAFD OF TSRIBEL ANYWAY. nO sIMONi WON'T MOVW. fUCK OFF SIM MON, nI i MNIOT GAY.   Izzy is a bagbe. Sqyd simon but ai don't beliece him 'cos he is gay, I cannot type at the monebt as I have no coordinatoin at tgw beAra of times let alone when I have jusy had three litre s of ciderand  loadsa vodja etc - ifd sSimon was bisexual he would fa cu us as much as IZZY, HE DOES DO, HBE IW GAY - IT'S OFDFICIAL gO AWAY simon   ;oves Izzy he saz but I don't believe him. Simon's buggered off - reat , we;ve ;losthim, I will take ot in, don';t worry Simon. Cnford Heath is a fuckin suttle place to get pissed as we haveHewy wow,I'vw hist rrun rAve demo  iemMasos hism Tangoand it's quit the Switcher, cool man!  ---- I would just like to apologise for accusing Simon of being gay, he isn't (as far as I know) but he was acting like it for a while and I thought I'd better record it for posterity.  He doesn't even remember the fact that he helped me write half of the scrolltext, but then he is a real lightweight (that will almost certainly be edited out in the full thing!). . I was reading through the Acorn User RISC OS Four wish list, and though I agree with most of it - decent virtual memory, thirty-two char. filenames and a dynamic RAM disc are things I've been wanting for ages - I think that it really misses the point of what version four needs:- a radical face-lift to put it back ahead of everything else, rather than purely cosmetic changes that though useful are merely there to catch up with other platforms.  One of the main priorities on the important, though hardly rampantly exciting, compatibility front is a much expanded ImageFS-style but global file filter sort of thingy, that automatically converts normally incompatible files into standard, compatible ones when dragged onto applications - eg. WordPerfect files into Acorn ASCII text files when dragged onto Edit.  Add-on modules providing more specialised conversions could be supplied by software vendors, eg. JPEG to Sprite etc., or released into the Public Domain, making RISC OS into a platform which can basically read anything you throw at it.  An extension of the cross-compatability issue would be built in Mac disk reading and hard disk partitioning - parallelling a DOSFS expansion to allow reading of any-sized partitions under RISC OS, and an ADFS revision to allow any-sized hard disks in the first place - which will be invaluable both in publishing, and promoting a PowerPC plug-in card.  Another change badly needed is universal support for Computer Concepts OLE and Impulse II protocols - something that should have happened a long time ago; in fact a long talk with the CC programmers who started their Impulse OS project back in the halcyon days of Arthur would probably benefit Acorn no end, concept-wise.  This would help stave off the need to go for a completely integrated approach to applications, as seems to be the trend on other machines - personally I don't think that this new move is such a good idea, as RISC OS already makes it perfectly easy to share data with about the only sensible filer that has ever been, and much more integration would be unneccessary. Now for a story:- Having seen a fast ARM code quadrilateral plotter in an old Acorn User, a rather simple A5000 owner named Simon decided it was just the thing he needed to speed up his perfectly adequate yet not particularly useful solid 3D tunnel program (hauntingly similar yet somewhat inferior to the effective and useful example of the genre seen earlier).  So, loading up his not particularly carefully written tunnel program, he plagueristically spliced in the ARM code and, with a cry of 'this shouldn't take long, I think I know what to do', set about patching his program.  Half an hour later in came a simple young boy, with built-in maths co-processor, called Haimish.  Haimish decided that what Simon really needed was some help, and set about trying to wrestle the mouse from him whilst reciprocating useful advice.  An hour later, a certain dastardly cynic reading old Acorn Users recently purloined from the Computer Department was heard saying that 'Address acception at line 0' was not quite the vast performance leap that had been promised, and just maybe this whole exercise was not the best use of time ever imagined - only to be greeted by the retort 'look, we're getting useful experience here, learning to patch one bit of code onto another.'  Fearing that this was possibly not the most valuable experience a human being was capable of amassing, the cynic suggested that patching more and more little bits of code onto two big bits of incompatible code in the hope that they might work was not a terribly useful thing to be doing with an afternoon, especially when considering the fact that the original program was not in any great need of refurbishment / refinement and current progress was not promising.  An argument ensued as to the merits of learning to nick other people's code, adding it to your own old stuff which was never meant to work in any compatible way, and then piling up the patches until something approaching the original program's output appears.  When the final, 'working' program was rolled out three quarters of an hour later, the cynic was rightfully abashed at the sheer performance increase that had been obtained.  Not only was there a slight perceivable speed difference, but rather than continue in the vein of the old, non flickery tunnel, the new program had an amazing strobe effect which let you see 'through' the walls.  Sarcastic comments as to the value of patching everything in sight dried up.  ---  Those who bothered to read that story will probably realise that it is based not entirely on fiction, though Simon will no doubt mention in his scrolltext that it didn't happen like this at all, in actual fact the new program was much better despite the strobe, and all in all it was a good use of an afternoon.  I'm sure he's right.  Juvenile, eh?  This is what happens when you get a new hard disk and can't decide on what to call it.  Matt and I have just been trying to work out the specs of the new Nintendo 'Ultra 64' or whatever. We reckon, judging by the trend in current Nintendo press releases, or bollocks as they're more usually called, that this machine is going to have about ten pipelined 356bit molecular logic-gate processors with about 15 processor pipelines each, a RISC architecture but with loadsa useful extra instructions (or not!) and integral FPU units, going at 30506867392mips enabling real-time raytracing in 89bit colour (ie about 618970005000000000000000000 colours) at 720dpi on it's 56inch monitor - though it will of course have a full VR body suit with twin 5000dpi colour screens in the head set included as standard if you want - alongside 348kHz 748275bit 2046 channel THX surround-sound (as used in the best cinemas etc.) with a DSP for each channel providing all sorts of odd effects, at least 300 chips with 'custom' written all over them doing God knows what in DMA at 984638MHz, a bank of 15 MPEG-3 FMV decoders for lots of realtime video, simultaneous 15 player games, 3 terabytes of .0001 atoseconds access-time VRAM for everything to run in, but they're going to stick with cartridges with perhaps an optional single-speed CD-ROM drive because CDs are unneccessary and cartridges are just wonderful and they've built up they're current empire with them and you can put extra processors in them if you want to and they don't see why they ought to change now and so on and so on. Official prices will be in the region of a hundred pounds per full unit (full top of the range THX speakers thrown in for an extra tenner) or at fifty pounds without the VR body suit and 56inch monitor, for those who want to use their TVs. Games are expected to come in at three hundred thousand pounds each for the crap budget ones, up to a round two million for the Super-Mario compilation style ones, though Nintendo will probably keep pretty quiet about this until everyone's bought the machine and bundled Super Mario 2 game and want to do something with it.  Gameplay is likely to cost extra.  Seriously though, they do seem to be a little optimistic with this stuff about Silicon Graphics Workstations and their MIPS processors being in consoles selling for less than 250 quid or whatever - their MD is against selling anything for more as he reckons above that sort of threshold it will never get a footing in the home market, and I agree  - witness the NeoGeo.  I cannot see a useable form of this technology anything like as good as the hype for that sort of price, and so this kind of press release is basically just a scare technique meant to stop people buying the 3DO, Saturn, PlayStation etc. (not the Jaguar cos no one's buying that anyway) and I hope it backfires.  The thing about keeping cartridges rather than moving to something sensible, or even moving to CDs, is just plain stupid for something of the standard they are promising, and the idea of not being able to have saved positions without cartridges does not make sense - they can keep a bit of battery-backed RAM in the machine if they are that desperate for the saved game thing, and it'd mean fewer batteries too. Hi  - pissed again, bery impressice I don't think/ Simon wants COMTROL buy I am against this on pronciples. I have just managed 58% OF SWIV, VERY GOOD COMSICERING  I'm pisded but not very consiferging I can usually get MUCH further. Simon just tolf me to 6urn caps lock off anyway but actually I did this anyway as you can twl. tbeacuse the line above this one is in lowe case. He's sad really. He just tried to unplug the ketbpard so that I coildn';t type this but I managed to stop hium, hero that I am. I am also a liwr. I didn't manage to stop him. He is trying to stop me from keeping his haed disk name as 'only2mbRAM' and wats to change it to 'Tim is a faggot' whicvh is unteu, I am not thouh he might be. Appaeently he wants to really change it back to 'big' but it isn't so i won't. His is tiny Im have benn reliacly informed. No innuendoi's intended/ Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay!Plumme is gay! But ehat I ment waa Plummer not Plumme. It'sd not treu though. Matt;s hunry and not gay/ Matt shoves the phone up his arse. or maybe not. I don't know, I'm just an exitstentialist. That's a 30's french philoso[her Simon doen't understand what I am going on avout because he is thivk. to the uninitaiatsed. edit is crap - it just mayd everything in this scrolltext look like it was there twuce - kinf od duble cision thing. snxh nbvfdj - saz sIMON. UHI g cBGDFCRA - and again. He's really juvenile. He thinksi not - as in nevter/vymk. i think not sez  Simon though he is lying as he never thinks or sommat. HE WANTS TO KNOW WHY iZZY DIDn'y write to him on Sunfsy, it's because she is a head of house or someyhing and is fong Oxbridge and everything. He claims. I dobn't beliece him. os I'm in no state to believe anything. but I am ar elay good mate. apparebtly. It's probably true though. Simon is helping me write this scrolltext by giving me material - discusss, 1200 words onmy desk by Tuesday. Or something. For Mr. Christmas, an annoying bastard who doesn't like abbrevuations, :-'s , brakets(like these),  crap essaya (like simon's but not loke mine), Doc's a twat, he doens't like mr. Rauman shagging his wife but he can't do anything about it cos he doesb't know about it yet but everything else does. Though it might not be tre, whyh anything woiudl want to shag his wife I don't know because she is a moose . A great philosopher once said ' naughty, naughty' say the Shamen. Well I am the greateez t philosipher in the planwt and I don't say that so it;s not true, OK. I n3ed a piss - I think I should have a piss on Simon's bed, but he disagrewsa. Maybe out of the widow into Simons's lofdge - but maybe not. I don't know. Woops- an abbreviation, MRC would hate that but then (with any luvk) he'll never know about it. --- Sorry to Simon about my overenthusiasm with the cut and paste.  By the way, in case you hadn't figured it out there are a lot of hidden bits in the demo that you have to press keys like H at the right times to find; censoring can also be avoided in a similar manner, but some things are just too X-rated for family viewing/listening.  Hi!  Pissed again, but it's, about a year or two since i wrote my last bit of scrolltext so hereboiuy go:  I've just ben at Marcus' party, chatting up[ Ingrid and Hannah (who I through in the sea over the summer but luckily she's forgotten that) and tommorow Ingrid (woho lives in Pari) has three horny drebch friends coming over so they'll be worth a pull, though I have to try and get in there before Ed does which should be OK though I can;t remember if I offered them a lift, I seemto ebd up offering aboutn twenty lifts after parties and its a real shag cos I have to twll people to find thwir own way to wherever the next day if thety're not horny / good mstes like Hillary (who's ugly and sad but if you're feeling like a score she's easy) and anywhere, fucxk it I'm pissed.  Bye.  Snyway, maybe not, I wish I'd scored Ingriod butthere's always tommorow, and I've nothung better to do... Having just read that message some people may have got the impression that the phrases 'good mates' and 'horny' were in some way related to Hillary but this is true only in the negative.  Despite her name, however, Ingrid is horny, so there.